I really need to stop reading the newspaper

... and by "read" I mean "skim the headlines and maybe read a third of every other story."

Overweight children face widespread stigma, unhappy lives, new analysis concludes Overweight children are stigmatized by their peers as early as age 3 and even face bias from their parents and teachers, giving them a quality of life comparable to people with cancer, a new analysis concludes. [And now, let's play rumor-monger: Being fat = cancer.]

Eagan teen charged with running prostitution ring

Baby needs a new pair of SHOES [The phrase "Too much disposable income" comes to mind.]

Those record overdraft fees

World's tallest man marries a woman two-thirds his height The world's tallest man married a woman who's two-thirds his height and half his age.... [It doesn't mention the story of how they met, but I imagine they were on two trains, one leaving from Beijing at 8:40 am and traveling south at 97 km/h, and the other leaving Shanghai at 9:03 am and traveling north at 94 km/h.... Also, I like how the end of the story dissolves into random babbling about dolphins.]

Suburban Melting Pot (I'm not sure if this URL will stay put or not, so if you have problems with it, let me know.)
[My fave line from this article is "Coming to America was a good thing. Nigeria was home, familiar and dear in so many ways, but the West African country was in political and economic disarray." Whereas America, apparently, is not.]