Food Network has officially crossed the line

Lately, Food Network has been getting on my nerves. For the longest time I enjoyed a number of their programs. Examples: on Good Eats, Alton Brown is brilliant - he makes every aspect of cooking entertaining and educational. Rachel Ray was cool when she was limited to 30-Minute Meals and $40 A Day. But then there was Paula Deen, whose accent alone is proof that evil incarnate can be embodied in sound. But hey, I don't need to watch what I don't like, right? Then they brought me the joy of Iron Chef America - corny, reasonably entertaining, and not too annoying (at first). If you're familiar with the program at all, you'll no doubt realize it's rapidly getting out of control, like a nuclear reactor sans inanimate carbon control rods. It's taking itself far too seriously. (And don't get me started on the new Iron Chef's Hibbertesque giggle.) And Rachel Ray appears to have been injected with huge quantities of "Yummo" (by Nabisco). I think she's trying to be like Martha Stewart, minus the stick up her ass.

One of their more recent "personalities" is this guy, whose appearance alone makes me change the channel. Seriously, step away from the peroxide, and no one gets hurt. During a commercial break, he helped out some poor schmuck whose cranberry sauce is apparently too tart. His prescription included the use of a Food Network skillet, available now at Kohl's. Did I mention that this "help the dork on the street" piece was interrupted by an ad for Food Network brand cookware, available only at Kohl's?

Blogwhore?

Mel and I wonder if there's a word for "one who attempts to get mentioned in others' blogs so that they can mention those references in their own blog." Any suggestions?

UPDATE: I just realized that I forgot to include the link that makes the whole thing pointful. Cuz that was me, with the question and stuff.

HoTT T33n GurrrlZ 4 SALE!!!111

By way of Julie: Marry Our Daughter, a site for people interested in selling their teenage daughters into arranged marriages, per the Biblical tradition of treating women as property.

**ADULT LANGUAGE WARNING**

I have trouble believing this this is real. It's got to be a joke. Then again, they seem pretty serious about it, and are quick to point out that the concept of a "Bride Price" is in the bible, and therefore protected as a religious thing. I have to ask, do Americans have any inalienable rights that trump religious beliefs? I mean, if my religion tells me to go out and slaughter 2 children on every full moon, then collect all the corpses in a giant freezer, and have a festival of necrophiliac sodomy on the Winter Solstice, does that make it okay?

On the other hand, this makes me reconsider my opposition to having kids.

***UPDATED: It is, in fact, a hoax.***

Pretense and affectation

Is there some point at which pretense and affectation will reach a critical mass that will cause an event to collapse under its own weight, tearing a hole in the fabric of time and space and creating a singularity from which no attention whore can escape? I certainly hope so, but the fact that it didn't happen at this event makes me wonder how high that threshold is.

Well I didn't know that

According to Robert Bowie Johnson, Jr., "If you know a bit about language, you know it's the consonants that matter, not the vowels."

Really? I had no idea. Tell me more! Let me guess: It's the nouns that matter, not the verbs. Et cetera. What about math? "If you know a bit about arithmetic, you know it's the numbers that matter, not the operations you perform on them." Or geography: "If you know a bit about geography, you know it's the states that matter, not the lakes." Ooh, or politics: "If you know a bit about politics, you know it's the executive branch that matters, not the legislative or judicial branches."

Mr. Johnson is a creationist who insists that Greek art proves the veracity of Biblical stories. He also rails against "name-calling" by those who accept the scientific validity of evolutionary theory. He dubs them "Slime-Snake-Monkey-People" and "mutant randomites."

Whodunnit? And more importantly, why?

Browsing the TV is a bad idea. I just stumbled across a "reality" show on Spike TV. It's called Murder, and one site describes it this way: "Each one-hour episode of Murder will give two groups of civilians the chance to solve a real-life homicide by working at an exact replica of a crime scene." Civilians include people like firefighters, teachers, business dudes, and "Tank, Law Student and Former Gang Member."

They include graphic "actual photos" flashed on the screen at intervals following no discernible pattern. Yay! Episodes have catchy titles like "The Bludgeoning." And your host, Detective Tommy Le Noir (seriously).

Why would they do this? Who comes up with these ideas?

More quality TV

A while back I noted the quality programming available on The Learning Channel. Remember "The Man Whose Arms Exploded" and "When Sleep Goes Bad"? I figured out their programming philosophy based on those programs and tonight's line-up: "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day," "World's Heaviest Man," and "Help! I'm a Hoarder!" I'm pretty sure that philosophy can be paraphrased as: "Sensational exploitation of people whose lives are miserable."

I have some ideas for them:
...."Isolated From Reality. A documentary examination of home-schooled kids."
...."Edward Rubberhands. A Pennsylvania family shares a genetic disorder that gives them rubbery skin and stretchable bones."
...."Circus Freaks, Nothing But Circus Freaks. You get the idea."
...."I Can't Stop Masturbating! Profiles of people with painfully chafed genitalia."
...."Manimal. Looks at the case of a man with a cat growing out of his torso."
...."Miscarriages, Miscarriages, Miscarriages! A woman who has had over two dozen miscarriages discusses her continued attempts to reproduce."
...."Satan Incarnate: The Secret Life of Dick Cheney. Geraldo Rivera leads an exclusive investigation into the Dark Lord's secret underground lair. (Asbestos suit advisory)"

Okay, that last one doesn't quite fit in with the aforementioned credo, but maybe we should include people who make others miserable?

Oh my god.

I just saw the scariest thing I've seen in a loooong time. A thing so horrifying, I'm almost tempted to actually watch it. I'm looking through the cable tv listings, and I see channel 23, identified as TVGN (TV Guide Network, apparently), has a program called "Look-a-Like." Here is the description:

Look-a-Like
5-6p
"Celine Dion", In the third-season premiere, a woman gets a makeover to resemble Celine Dion. (Reality).

I can't even begin to tell you all the things that are wrong with that.

I really need to stop reading the newspaper

... and by "read" I mean "skim the headlines and maybe read a third of every other story."

Overweight children face widespread stigma, unhappy lives, new analysis concludes Overweight children are stigmatized by their peers as early as age 3 and even face bias from their parents and teachers, giving them a quality of life comparable to people with cancer, a new analysis concludes. [And now, let's play rumor-monger: Being fat = cancer.]

Eagan teen charged with running prostitution ring

Baby needs a new pair of SHOES [The phrase "Too much disposable income" comes to mind.]

Those record overdraft fees

World's tallest man marries a woman two-thirds his height The world's tallest man married a woman who's two-thirds his height and half his age.... [It doesn't mention the story of how they met, but I imagine they were on two trains, one leaving from Beijing at 8:40 am and traveling south at 97 km/h, and the other leaving Shanghai at 9:03 am and traveling north at 94 km/h.... Also, I like how the end of the story dissolves into random babbling about dolphins.]

Suburban Melting Pot (I'm not sure if this URL will stay put or not, so if you have problems with it, let me know.)
[My fave line from this article is "Coming to America was a good thing. Nigeria was home, familiar and dear in so many ways, but the West African country was in political and economic disarray." Whereas America, apparently, is not.]

My first religious wingnut comment

Check out this comment. I'm still waiting for someone to provide anything approximating scientific evidence for creationism (please note: bible stores are not scientific evidence). Oh, and the term "intelligent design," for those who aren't sure, is a way of dressing up creationism and claiming it's science. Interested in clarifying the issue? Check out Why Darwin Matters by Michael Shermer. Also, see this entry at Pharyngula.

The short response is: Evolution is a scientific theory that produces testable hypotheses to describe phenomena, in accordance with the scientific method. Supporters of creationism (whatever label you attach to it) have yet to provide actual evidence or any testable hypotheses. On other key feature of a testable hypothesis is that it is falsifiable. In other words, a hypothesis can be proven wrong. No claims made by creationists meet this criteria, and that is a fundamental flaw in the assertions that creationism is a science.

Berries and cream

For those of you unfamiliar with the "berries & cream" reference (which sounds kind of dirty out of context), I offer to share the joy.

Not for the squeamish

I mean it. If you're easily offended by things like bestiality, don't click this link (SFW, visually, but disturbing). Also, probably stop reading this post right now. You've been warned, & you choose to read it anyway, don't come crying to me blah blah words.

I only point out the article because of my favorite phrase in it. One of the people says, of his fellow zoophiles, "I'd invite them to my home, and I'd treat them like any other person that was in my house. I did summertime barbecues, Thanksgiving. I did Christmas dinners. One year we did a turkey and a ham (emphasis added)."

Really. A guy who likes to f% (or be f%ed by) horses shouldn't say things like that. Although it raises the question: Is it still bestiality if you f% a pig after it's been dismembered & part of it has spent 20 minutes per pound in a 325 degree oven?